So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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