i may or may not be watching the land before time
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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