Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
