omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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