tell your sister to shave her snatch
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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