All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
