i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We need to get me chipped asap
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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