Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
