Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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