I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
