thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
third nipple confirmed
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drunk is not a location!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
