This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
