I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Of course I have a pirate flag
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
