you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
