Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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