I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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