If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
