I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
