i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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