There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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