I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just had sex on a roof
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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