I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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