you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
