I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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