im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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