He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
