he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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