I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
