guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
