Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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