I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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