either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
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