apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
