Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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