Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
