Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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