Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I touched a dick in church today
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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