After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
