Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
