remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
