your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
