So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize