I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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