Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
