So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
