your thong is hanging out like whoa
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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