My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
