Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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