bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
