I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
