apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
