I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
