happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
