I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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