is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
