her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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