Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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