we made out on top of his cat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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