I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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