My liver just broke up with me...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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